It will never be 2007 again

September 2007 was a difficult time for me. I now see it as a beginning of a kind of lifestyle I’ve been leading for the last 6 years – sedentary, lazy and just plain sad.

It was in 2007 that I missed the greatest opportunity of my life. July 2007 was the only time in my life when I had a girl fall in love with me. But I blew it. I made horrible mistakes and destroyed this opportunity.

The problem was, I didn’t yet know it in September 2007. The Fatal One just returned to my town after two months. In early September she agreed to meet me but never gave the location. In mid-September we did arrange a location but this time she declined to show up.

After the mid September event I tried that SMS thing again. It took me less than an hour to meet this girl. Unlike The Fatal One, she was my age and, due to her starting school earlier than me, already a sophomore in college. She was also available, willing and beautiful.

We should have met on Wednesday, September 19, 2007. But that day was the day I made one of the worst mistakes in my life.

During these horrid September days my sleeping schedule was way off. I essentially slept during the day and was awake at night. That Wednesday morning two of my friends came to my house, asking me to go with them somewhere. After spending the entire night awake the prudent thing would have been to refuse to go with them and go to sleep. But I was a damn idiot and went with them.
We were done by at about 11 am. Still more than enough time for me to go home, sleep and be ready in time for 7.15 pm. But then I decided to be even more of an idiot. Instead of going home I decided to try and see The Fatal One. My reasoning was something like this – I was already outside, so I had to use this somehow. I was extremely down and low on energy during the last two weeks so when I finally left my house I thought I had to use this somehow. As for what will happen later in the day I thought that things will just work out somehow.

I came to The Fatal One’s neighborhood and waited for hours at her train station. She failed to appear. I finally decided to go back home, exhausted.

Upon coming home I had lunch and went to bed. I was so sleepy I felt dizzy. When I finally woke up it was 15 minutes to our meeting. There was no way for me to make it. If I hopped out of bed now I’d still be late. I could have apologized and said I’ll be somewhat late but I was too damn tired and plainly told her I can’t come.

She was furious and told me that nobody ever did something like this to her. Some half an hour later she sent me a message “We could have been kissing by now”. I read it and went back to sleep.

During the following weeks we exchanged messages maybe once or twice. She was initially adamant about not seeing me again but later said she might give me another chance. Unfortunately, soon after I had no credit on my cellphone and the whole thing kinda petered out. However, the main reason why I wasn’t so beaten up over this was that October was a month of hope with The Fatal One. While she did cancel another meeting around Oct 10 the latter part of the month was full of hope. There was no way for her to compete with The Fatal One in my mind in such circumstances. I have never seen or kissed that girl, while I was once adored by The Fatal One.

But it all ended in early November. I never got The Fatal One back. Some days after she cancelled our meeting for the final, fourth time I spoke to this girl for the last time. I was in an atrocious condition and basically told her a short version of the story. She tried to comfort me but it made no difference and she was already seeing somebody by that time. My chances with her were gone as well. We never talked again.

What followed for me were extremely hard times. I was alone and left only with regret. Sure, The Fatal One was the main source of my regret but I regretted this girl too. I struggled with depression, frustration and loneliness throughout my first year at college. Chances like those I had in 2007 were never repeated.

While falling deeper and deeper into obsession with The Fatal One I used to remember this girl from time to time as well. Again, there was no way for me to mourn her like I mourned The Fatal One but every time I remembered that day I’d feel terrible regret.

Nothing says more about how horrible that first year after missing this chance in September was than the fact that I spent the first anniversary of that horrible Wednesday in prison. On one lethargic Saturday afternoon I remembered this event with her along with other missed chances with girls in my life and that was the only time inside I cried.

Life went on, I found my first girlfriend, and this girl was at times almost forgotten. But after my first girlfriend left me my life became utterly shitty again and she’d come to mind mind again.

Years went by. At times I’d even google her name and college, which was the only info I had on her. No success there.

Who knows if I’d ever find her again if I didn’t see her Facebook profile by pure accident about three weeks ago. The moment I saw her picture and education info I knew that was her. I sent her a bizarre message, something like “I know you don’t know who I am but I remember you very well and my memories of you are always painful. Get back to me and I’ll explain everything”
Her initial response was “Who are you?”. After some more messages I sent, explaining what this was about, she surprised me by saying she doesn’t remember the event at all.
Anyway, she didn’t cut me off and we had to start from a scratch.

Incredibly, I was able not only to find her but we started talking on a daily basis. Much has changed since. When I met her in 2007 she was a college sophomore with nothing but school on her mind. Now she was near graduation but it dragged on longer than she anticipated because she also had a full time job now.
Much has changed for me too but that will be a subject of other posts.

It seemed to me that my prospects with her were much worse than in 2007. That 2007 19 year-old had little experience with men aside from her first love she broke up with some months before and seemed very willing to date somebody. This 25 year-old was jaded, especially after her boyfriend of four and a half years broke up with her to go back to his ex, and felt she couldn’t fall in love. She was also very, very busy with work and college.

We finally agreed to meet this Monday. I was extremely excited by the fact that I’ll finally see her. Also, after 20 failed dates this year she seemed like my last hope. I was even worried about falling asleep again. But I didn’t fall asleep and we finally met. I bought her a chocolate to apologize for what happened 6 years earlier. We talked for about an hour and a half in a small bar and she rejected me. There was just no chemistry, she said. I tried to explain her that this chemistry is just a concept that isn’t very tangible, that not all couples adored each other the second they met and that all relationships between people require work, not just butterflies in the stomach. But she disagreed with me.

I came home lethargic and dazed. I thought it was now truly over for me. But later in the day she liked some pictures of me on Facebook so I decided to ask her “Now that you liked these pictures, as if our meeting went better than it did, how are you feeling?”
“It wasn’t that catastrophic”, she replied.

Now we’re talking again as if the date never happened but it did and I know that my chances of seeing her again, let alone this progressing to anything but a short lived friendship, are practically non-existent. I have no idea if I should try to persuade to meet me again or not. Maybe I should call her to my apartment for us to watch a film and try to kiss her there. I don’t know.

I wonder if the same thing would have happened in 2007. Does this make the final outcome of an initially brilliant first date with The Fatal One more or less of a tragedy? In my mind, it makes it, in any case, a worse tragedy. If the same thing that happened today would have happened 6 years ago this makes my brilliant date with The Fatal One even more precious. If, however, this girl would not have rejected me 6 years ago this means that my actions at that time were what I always considered them to be – disastrous.
This girl was haunting me for 6 years. I was finally lucky enough to turn around and fight this haunting but, like everything else, it was too little, too late.

This is not 2007. I made no mistakes this year. The problem is that the mistakes I did before this year made this irrelevant, for my position is too horrible for it to matter. And now I am getting old. I can feel it in my bones. Something like exhaustion. I will never be young again and this will never be 2007 again.

And this is what the next two blog posts shall be about.

5 thoughts on “It will never be 2007 again

  1. Pingback: Darkness | thatincelblogger

  2. Pingback: Darkness | CoAlphaAntiModernistIncelBlogger

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