I wrote this 4 days ago
I was fucked from day one. I was bullied as a child, hung out with dorky people all of whom were male, was extremely love-shy as a teenager, which made me miss some crucial chances (namely, it made me to frightened to meet a girl I talked to online or via sms irl until I was 18, which is a disaster that has fucked me up for life), prone to depression, withdrawn and smarter than almost all other kids.
All of it a recipe for disaster.
When I was 19 I met a girl who was absolutely swept away by me. Due to inexperience and bad luck I made a horrible, tragic mistake which probably cost me my last ticket to normal life.
For, though I did meet another girl who liked me little less than 2 years later, I was unable to have sex with her. Too anxious to initiate. Here we return to that missed chance I mentioned- if I hadn’t missed that chance I would have sex because that first girl would surely initiate it. Instead I ended up in a relationship where, though there was great understanding and this this girl is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a soul mate, I became more and more unhappy because we kept putting sex off.
I know, I should have done it with a prostitute before and we could have still been together… who knows. But it’s pointless to think about that now.
In the end, she left me in horrible circumstances. I think those July 2010 events are really the final thing that made me lose my mind in a way. I was never healthy or normal again. She brought light back into my life after the first trauma, just to turn the switch off forever.
I was basically becoming more and more devastated until I lost my virginity in 2012.
But right now I’m more devastated than ever. Though I have had sex with 4 women now when I was a virgin no more than an year ago two of these women I had sex with once or twice. One of them just messed me up and even more due to her unstable personality and the fourth one is my fuck buddy.
I realized I should have lost my virginity long ago, and that I will be having problems, probably for a lifetime, due to the way my life has turned out.
For example… Physical consequences like the lack of penile sensation.
Mental consequences like the fact that I’m seeing women who would like me as priceless goods (it’s a comparison, manginas and feminists, I don’t think they’re goods), which they are in a way because I can’t find one to like me. Like the fact that I’m notably bitter and weird to most women even if I don’t tell them anything I talk about here, or the fact that I’m extremely attracted to high schools girls because they kinda represent what I lost in my teenage years (they’re legal here).
All of this will probably never go away. I mean, it might, but only after years of a very happy relationship (which is quite unlikely) or great successes with many beautiful women (if anything, that’s about 100 times less likely than the possibility that I will find one girl I will be happy with, so unlikely that I am certainly more likely to win the lottery, while I theoretically have more chances of finding the right girl than winning the lottery).
I was kinda happy with my life this year. I suffered a breakdown late last year but found the energy to try again. I started going out, went on a lot of dates, found a friend with benefits, started visiting some debates I really liked etc. I didn’t even care about the fact that everybody but my friend with benefits rejected me, or that even she didn’t like me enough to want to be my girlfriend.
I can honestly say that the period from January to early April of this year was the time I was happiest in maybe 10 years (and I was still in elementary school 10 years ago, before all this hell started).
But constant rejections, now amounting to over 15 just this year, at one time no less than 4 in one week, in often very brutal and unfair ways, like that girl who kept saying she likes me for 5 days after the date just to reject me completely no less than 24 hours before our second meeting, started getting to me.
This last date, where a girl didn’t even reject me but simply told me about her life and the mass of things she has to do or her plans to go abroad was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Due to exhaustion, disappointment and extreme heat I came home a broken man and took a bunch of sleeping pills just not to think about it (as it later turned out, the pills were out-of-date, but I didn’t notice before I took almost all of them).
When I did wake up I felt even worse. My chest was tight and it hurt like hell. I was already very weak. Spent my birthday, a beautiful spring day, alone in bed with my pain, weak and ill.
I finally could no longer stand the pain so I took a lot of pain meds, even talking stuff against menstrual pain my friend left there.
I became very ill, shaking, nauseated, sweating, puking. Luckily, I called somebody who got really worried and that person called the hospital and they picked me up.
They did a bunch of tests on me, saying I probably initially had a massive anxiety attack and OD’ed on the meds later. They even did a LP, due to which I can barely walk, sit up or lie on my back now now.
They sent me home on Monday and I even felt well enough to go somewhere today but had to go back home early as I felt sick. Didn’t have nausea but felt extremely weak and a bit dizzy.
I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere anymore this week.
The point is, I wanted to die. I want to die now. My life has been nothing but a huge failure in almost every aspect and I suffered a lot during it. I mean, the last girl I’ve attracted was my first gf, the one I never had sex with. That was in the spring of 2009. And even she was never really in love.
I know my fwb will be here for me when and if I ever get well again but that’s only because she’s a simpleton. Any other person would drop me ages ago.
All of this anguish is why I closed the blog for public until further notice. I can’t debate with people now, especially when I had a Tumblr SJW invasion to deal with while I was extremely ill. That made me feel so powerless and frustrated, 25 comments in less than 24 hours and I couldn’t reply to any because my condition was getting worse by the hour. I also didn’t want to just ban everybody, though some comments made me ban people immediately after the never published first comment. I just can’t deal with that crap now.
Also, I won’t go to a therapist or take any anti-depressant/anti-psychotic medication anymore. Fuck that shit. I mean, I may go see another therapist in June but I don’t want anymore pills.
The problem is, I am extremely discouraged to go on with my crappy life after this. I don’t have the energy. All I have is a horrible feeling that crises such as these will increase in severity and length as I get older.
For example, no way in hell I’m able to keep a job if I know that anything traumatic with women will fuck me up for weeks, months. I won’t even bother applying. I’ll finish college this year and that’s it.
Who will finance me, for how long and why- I don’t know.
Back to that first girl I had a chance with, that girl from the mythical July 1, 2007 meeting- I remember my tears about her in September 2007. It’s now obvious, more so than ever before, how right I was to cry about that missed opportunity. I knew just what I had missed. I was 19 but knew what I had done to myself by missing a chance with her. Subsequent events have proven that missing a chance with her was the greatest mistake of my life. Unlike my fear caused by love-shyness when I was a teenager, this is something that I could have avoided but didn’t.
I remember myself on Sept 1, 2007, crying desperately and in fear, knowing exactly what kind of a mistake I have done and that it will cost me immeasurably.
Anyway, I am still not psychically healthy but have decided to keep the blog. I was never gonna delete it anyway, just considered if I will have the strength to write again.
I noticed there was a recent Tumblr SJWs invasion. Being very ill at the time they started appearing I just skimmed through them and though that most of them could be kept.
I now see how wrong I was. Tumblr feminists are without any doubt the craziest feminists in the world, worse than any Atheism Plus feminist I have ever encountered. Though the post beginning me to dox but not to rape that cunt cracked me up.
Their posts were absolutely insane. Approving them on my blog would be like coating it with shit.
So, Tumblr SJWs, I haven’t bothered to ban all 20 or so of the e-mails but your insanity will always reveal itself and prevent you from posting here.