On why I will probably not write this blog anymore

I met this beautiful and intelligent girl.

Has she rejected me? No.

But she doesn’t really live where I do. I mean, she does, but only officially. She actually lives somewhere between here, her birthplace and the location abroad she wants to move to. Can we ever be together? No, we can’t. Not really. Even if she doesn’t move abroad I don’t think so. It would just be torture.

I came home after meeting her, cried like a baby, took enough sleeping pills that it could have killed me, slept for 16 hours, and now I’m just numb.

Can’t anything ever be right with me?

I am not a good person to write about incel. I am simply too fucked up. Not because of my beliefs, I know that the could help incels. It’s because I am really still incel myself and events like these make me unable to function, let alone present any kind of online presence. I am completely lost in pain.

Maybe I’ll continue one day but I doubt it. It’s all nonsense.

My ideas will never come true in real life.

All I have is pain.

3 thoughts on “On why I will probably not write this blog anymore

  1. I hope you come back and read this blog in sometime and perhaps see your ideas the way most of the world does. Cultivate some other hobbies and interests, this should help with the girl-friend situation. Good luck!

  2. So I’ve read almost all your entries here. And I have to say you got some problems.
    The thing is, and I base this on you recounting the years from 2006 to now, I understand how you feel. I’ve dealt with anxiety and severe phobias my whole life and I understand the feelings you describe and your reactions to triggers (e.g. when you threw your phone under the bed).
    I know your pain. But phobias are very treatable. You yourself said that contacting women got easier over time. I believe – and I know you will most likely not agree, but please hear me out – that due to you phobia of girls when you were young, and surely due to other factors as well, you created this abstract idea of a relationship that will solve all your problems, that will only be bliss and happiness all the time. You created the idea that ALL your problems, all the things in your life that contribute to your depression, are due to the fact that you don’t have a girlfriend. And because some other men feel this way, you embrace this relatively easy explanation.
    But relationships are not like that. They take work and dedication, and can even bring more problems with them. Your problems and your depression won’t magically disappear once you get a girlfriend. Sure, it might help, but so might other things. And I think this obsession with getting a girlfriend might actually keep you from getting better in other aspects.

    Do you feel fulfilled in your social life (apart from dating)? I mean, do you have friends you can really connect and open up to? Because this is a major factor for depression.

    Do you feel fulfilled at work? If not, maybe you could reconsider your field, really think about what exactly bothers you about your work and try to change that.

    Do you have any hobbies? Different hobbies can even help you with dating, because you can meet women who share the same interests as you.

    Of course, all of that might take work on your part. But so does dating.

  3. You’ll be fine.
    There’s a lot more to life than love & sex. You should find an activity you enjoy that’s not related. One that involves fresh air, perhaps. if you move your focus and obsession to something that could benefit from such dogged determination as yours, like learning a new skill, you will be rewarded, by getting good at it, etc. something you enjoy. get tired of that, pick something else. repeat. your luck will improve with women simply by the virtue of obsessing over it less.
    it is a normal part of life to not have a partner for an extended period of time. lots of people, men and women, would rather be partnered and are not. (including me, a woman.) that’s okay. we continue through life.
    you are intelligent, and you are passionate, you are worth SOMETHING, and you quite possibly will meet someone who will love you… but you need to improve your social skills, it sounds like (learn to be aloof. not just ACT aloof but actually BE aloof. have the attitude that most women are not worth your time, because most of them aren’t. most potential relationships are non-starters. finding someone who gets you, that you laugh with and legitimately enjoy the company of for hours and hours and hours is difficult for lots of us.)
    therapy doesn’t work for you, I’m not surprised – I’ve been to some therapists for depression in the past, it wasn’t useful to me either. They put me on some drugs, they just made me feel a different kind of weird. I got out in the world and started doing stuff, that helped. skiing is my thing. find a thing! I tried to learn javascript, not very good at it but it was fun (code academy online) and I’m a horrible rock climber but enjoy sucking at it. I can’t balance to save my life but I have a longboard. I went on a raw food diet, not good at that either. lol. try stuff! it’s fun!
    also read some books on buddhism. meditate. it’ll help you get perspective, which if I had two words to describe your problems after what I’ve read of your blog, it would be “lacking perspective”.
    find a cause to fight for that is legitimately humanitarian. eat a new kind of food. go for a walk. breathe. meditate. you will be fine.

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