I feel extremely noxious about writing this post but just have to do it.
Well, I had my first sort of a date in 2013 and it turned out to be my worst first date ever, to a point where it was downright scary for both.
We met online, soon figured out we are living really close to each other and arranged a meeting. I wasn’t impressed by her looks, though they were quite above the acceptable minimum. She is a very dedicated musician, seemed smart, I couldn’t say if I had a bad feeling about it or not…. Intuition was never something I could rely on.
So, we sat down and start talking about our parents, how she moved so near me, about her instrument. I immediately noticed that she was very emotionally and intelectually robust, as well as the fact that there was no chemistry. She simply somehow seemed repugnant in romantic context. I could not imagine kissing her or even touching her hand. I told her that I don’t see her as a potential girlfriend after some 10-15 minutes and she immediately agreed.
Soon after all hell broke loose. I was in a very bad mood that day and told her about my goals of wanting to write a book and then kill myself. And then all hell broke loose. She became very aroused, angrily saying I’m putting her in an uncomfortable position, that she doesn’t want to feel any blame and that I will surely never see her again. I tried to explain that it has nothing to do with her. I even repeated that I do not like her as a potential partner and that this is not some silly tactic to make her be with me.
Eventually, I asked her to listen to my story. She did, stopping me at one point during the part of my story on the early days when I was still too shy to even meet girls IRL, noting I’m extremely sensitive and asking me if I had any trauma with women before that, which I said I didn’t. She also interrupted me several times with bullshit like “There are many men who can’t approach women”.
As I was nearing the end of the story the atmosphere grew more and more tense. She was getting visibly agitated, not as in scared but angry and annoyed at me. When I finally finished I could barely ask for her opinion, as the tension grew even more and I basically shortened the final part a lot.
Her opinions simply stunned me. She started by claiming she thought something unimaginable had happened to me if I wanted to kill myself, and that made her so scared she wanted to leave right away. However, now that she heard the story she’s amazed I could be so selfish and egoistical because not only have many people suffered through worse (that famous “hungry kid in Africa” fallacy) but that she’s been through worse. And, of course, we are to never see each other or communicate again, which I was by that time completely in agreement with. When I tried to explain that I’m currently in a very bad condition because those SMS dating services are now gone she said I should go on trying on that dating site… yeah, the one where you either get no replies or replies by low quality women who don’t know what they want. And that I should think about college more.
I honestly didn’t know what to say. I was too shocked to say more about why I am so fucked up now or ask what she’s been through but would surely get no answer as she was already on her way out, visibly annoyed, disgusted and tired. Her voice saying “Goodbye” was full of derision.
I was very upset by all this. I knew she will certainly remove me from her friend list on Facebook so I did it myself first, sending her an angry message wishing she could never play her instrument again while retaining healthy hands and eyes, so that she might see what real problems are. She blocked me, as I expected.
What was all that about? What could she go through that could have been worse than my problems, which often incapacitated me for months, years? What was so much worse than going without a single kiss for more than 2 years while wanting it like crazy? Cancer? She passed every year in college up to now and spent her days going to classes and nights playing in orchestra. Both of her parents were alive and working, as was her brother. She had no health problems I could notice and seemed really healthy. Only time she mentioned her problems was when she said how her profession is full of competition.
In all probability, she was just another regular woman who didn’t understand incel at all. I know very well how educated, intellectual types who don’t understand react. They react with disgust and empty phrases. Less educated or intelligent people people won’t react like she did – they will either try to give you honest, if naive, advice if they’re good natured or insult you or critize one aspect of you as that is the only cause of your incel. I’ve seen reactions similar to hers on forums and among several doctors. But I never had to chance to experience it after such a long conversation, face to face, with a person so close to me in age.
All of it was truly depressing and shocking. I remember a date I had in July 2011, with a fat girl who laughed just too much and by that point in the date we already agreed that there was no chemistry so I was free to tell the story. She listened to my story and didn’t react as this person did. Instead, she listened with interest and encouraged me later. She was not depressed about it or cried or anything, she just didn’t stop seeing me as a human being once I told the story.
So, yeah, she really is a cold, rude person. Unless something worse really did happen to her, but was it really that bad if she managed to turn out that good? I know there is no way to measure these things, but I am almost certain she was just a terrible, terrible bitch.
EDIT- facts on dating using mobile phone/Internet….
Looking for a girlfriend alone is hell for me – in about 20 dates I had since 2006 one was a stunning success in which I made the girl fall in love completely, one was pretty special, however not in romantic terms at that moment (we got together later, though) and 3 were pretty good each in their own way. I was only in a relationship with 2 out of these 5, and one of them was sexless while the other one was long distance.
Other 15 were various variatons of failure.
I had two dates in the spring of 2006 (both horrible failures), a date which was eventually first among three in summer 2006 (explained here), one date in late spring 2007(failure), two dates in early summer 2007( one a stunning success, one a complete and expensive failure), two dates in 2008 (failures), one date in April 2009 (which started a series of complicated events- I didn’t try with any more women or go to any more dates from that April, even before we started dating in November 2009 till we broke up), three dates in 2011 (one a sort of success, but not the right person for anybody, a weirdo), two failures.
2012- three failed dates, two successful ones and had sex with both girls more than once but if you consider the amount of time I’ve invested in dating after finally resolving to at least lose my virginity that year (I’ve spoken to at least 100 women) and the fact that both of these girls were toxic, spoiled trash all in all it was still a really frustrating experience.
Such amount of failure means that leaving me to deal with this on my own is a bad idea – my success rate is low enough that I am almost constantly angry and years go by without me finding a girlfriend.
EDIT 2 – to see just how hard it is to get a date using that site take notice that my last date before this was in late July 2012. I did have a girlfriend for a month a half in the meantime but before I did I was trying really hard to meet women, even more so after we broke up.