I probably shouldn’t be writing an introduction to what will be a very long post but I feel that it is necessary. My experiences with women could have started when I was 15. I started using an SMS dating service in 2004, before I even turned 16. However, during that time I had a severe phobia of all girls and there was simply no way for me to find the courage to meet some of the girls I texted with for months in real life.
This was a terrible mistake and a root cause of all the problems I am having today. If I could be granted just one wish it would be to go back to early 2004 with the mind I have today. Nothing else. I am sure that this huge disaster my life is now would be avoided. But I’ll talk about that in a later post.
Things being as they are, I finally gained the courage to meet a girl in real life not long after my 18th birthday. That meeting was arranged only due to the fact that I was really drunk when she proposed meeting me tomorrow so I said yes. The next day I almost fainted while waiting for her but she arrived and there I was on my first date. It was May 2006.
This girl will not be included in our story. We only met once. She was ugly, had rotten teeth and her personality was extremely boring. Honestly, she disgusted me. There was no kissing or anything. I stopped messaging her back after our meeting. But the ice was broken and there I was, ready to start my horrific journey.
First kiss, first pain
DESCRIPTION- I met this girl in spring 2006. She sent me a PM on our high school online forum and it got off. I was in my third year of highschool and she was a junior. We talked on ICQ almost every day but didn’t arrange a meeting during those first months. We also never met in school, as she we were both always with our class and very shy. We talked for about 2 or 3 months before the school year ended. I never considered her to be a potential girlfriend. I could not consider anybody a potential girlfriend during that time due to my complete retardation and inexperience.
After the school year ended I called her for a beer and then she suddenly stunned me completely. by saying she likes me. In today’s perspective this would seem ridiculous as we have never met in real life but in those early days it seemed like all that was necessary for us to enter a relationship was to meet up… and then somehow a miracle would happen.
What actually happened was a complete disaster. We were both still to experience our first kiss so this huge pressure was just what we needed… not. We went to a park, had a few beers and nothing happened. Not a touch, not a kiss, nothing at all.
Two weeks later we met again. The only difference now was that she actually hugged me at the end. After she left I felt desperate. I just sat on the fucking street and stared in front of me at the edge of tears, wondering if I will ever be normal.
Soon after she left for a vacation with her parents and I basically stopped caring about the whole thing. It seemed obvious that none of us were ready for any of this.
I already started forgetting about her when she contacted me again in early September. She said she’d like to meet again, this time without any pressure. However, with school year starting we didn’t find time until the end of September.
Our third meeting, of course, brought even more pressure than our first two meetings and was an ever greater disaster, probably because we felt we had some “past” behind us. We went to get something to drink. Than we walked around. Then she actually got to retarded idea of us meeting her friends who were in a park somewhere near us like I wasn’t enough of a wreck anyway. I managed to talk her out of it so we took another walk in a different park and finally sat on a small wall. After some ten minutes of talk she kissed me and I was so shocked that I actually pulled my head away ! She tried again and I did the same.
It was the culmination of a disastrous night but at the time it seemed like a great success. Something had finally happened ! We held hands and talked some more before she had to go.
I was convinced it was a start of a relationship and that we will get that first kiss right on our next dates. However, she didn’t message the next day. Or the day after. Or the day after that. It took her 4 days to finally reply, saying that she’s very sorry but that she can’t be in a relationship with anybody right now.
I was in shock. Devastated. I sent her a torrent of messages containing a mixture of shock, self-pity and vituperation. And I cried. Entire month of October was a very difficult one. It didn’t help that I had to see her in school basically every day.
Years later we talked briefly and she told me that she did it because there was no chemistry, that we simply didn’t fit together. An assertion I was inclined to agree with.
I was fine by December 2006. My friends, hobbies and school work, where I had ambitions for good grades pulled me out. I have beaten the first pain.
TIMESPAN- met in April 2006, three dates between July and September 2006, end in October 2006, healed by December 2006
COMMENT- While this experience does seem relatively light when compared to truly horrible tragedies that would occur later I still don’t consider it a small deal. It was extremely painful and it mustn’t be forgotten that I was very vulnerable as I never had something like that happen to me before. The only good thing about it was that it ended fairly quickly, compared to two greater disasters which were years long affairs. It was simply never serious or intense enough to wreak havoc like the following events did. However, all the elements that would appear in following, much more tragic events, were here – my shyness and inability to take initiative, inability to see the situation accurately and act accordingly and, most importantly, a woman changing her mind. All of these things would follow me later on. In short, it was a fitting prelude to much bigger disasters.