Latest incident with failing to see that I’ve been messaged by a girl stirred up all kinds of bad feelings in me. Feelings I’ve been having for the last 2 years but that I’ve managed to supress for a while.
If I go on writing this blog I will talk about my past in greater detail but there is something I would like to say now.
I’ve misspent my life.
There were numerous chances for me to beat incel and I have failed to take them. I have failed to take them when I was very young and full of energy. Now it has become very, very hard.
I was bullied in primary school and the effects were devastating. I never exchanged a single sentence with a female in primary school. In fact, I was about 18 when I found my first female friends. Dating a girl I met through friends isn’t an option even today.
I went to an elitist, preppy high school and suffered no bullying at all. However, the consequences of earlier bullying remained. I was shy, too passive and just didn’t know how to enjoy those careless days.
And I missed chances. It’s very realistic that I could have had sex in 2004. I met a number of girls my age looking for a boyfriend and willing to meet up. I also met a very promiscous girl who wanted to meet and have sex. She had a lot of sex, with different boys, having slept with 50 of them and 2 girls at the age of 17.
However, I failed to see all of that as chances. My fear was too strong for my brain to acknowledge reality. My problems were easy to solve at that time but my mind was too immature. So I never met any of them.
I lived through my high school years not being too bothered about my inexperience, hanging out with friends and enjoying hobbies. When some of them found girlfriends in 2006 it shocked me but life went on. Even after finally meeting a girl in real life when I was 18 and suffering my first great dissapointment with another girl some months later not much changed.
All that came crashing down in July 2007, no more than a month after I’ve finished high school. A cataclysmic event shook me up in a way that nobody will ever understand. I sometimes think I’ve died right then and continued living in hell as everything after it is one long nightmare, interrupted by occasional bursts of hope. This event changed everything. I got a girlfriend, at least for one magical week. And then disaster occured.
While recovering I continued to blow chances.
There was almost no way for me to blow my chance with my first real girlfriend. I gave a ton of shit and she took it all before we started dating. No other girl would take so much bullshit and ended up in a relationship with anybody. But our bond was too strong. Or so I thought until one horrific day in July 2010 when she abruptly ended it all after 8 months.
It was a start of a new era, the roughest patch yet.
And now I’m very, very tired.
I could have been getting laid when I was 16. I didn’t. Nobody will ever bring those years back. And now, so much later, I see that I have failed. I currently on three different medications, slightly overweight and with some back problems. My best days are behind me.
I will probably commit suicide next year. Maybe then I’ll get to play the game all over again then, entering the body of a shy 15 year-old kid and telling him that he has nothing to fear but himself. But it’ll probably be more about turning off the computer because a tiring game doesn’t have a Load function.
The game has simply become too hard to play anymore.